Let’s make a toast to ‘Rocketman’ (chapter five):

In the last blog, I express my disagreement with those two lines of this ‘imaginary Bernie’ saying that Reggie’s talent is what is important and my approval of the next line that goes as ‘you just need to remember who you are, and be okay with it.’ Like I have said, embracing every bit of one’s true self and loving yourself no matter what is one of the toughest goals. I believe the film cleverly embodies this, starting from 2:28 in this clip right after the lines of Bernie.

It was only after going through this paragraph many times that I realised why the film set up the ‘imaginary Reid’’s interruption and Reggie’s response here and how it can mean really deep stuff. Reid says Reggie doesn’t know who he is, and responding to that, what Reggie says is that ‘I am Elton Hercules John.’ This points out that the one self Reggie thinks he is and accepts is only the talented ‘Elton John’, the one that is loved by people around the world because of his talent and ‘worth’. This hits me so bad because so many times when we think we are accepting and ‘loving’ ourselves, it is so often that we are still doing that under certain conditions and we are unconscious of that or unwilling to admit that deep down there. Because we wish to believe that we have been on the right track after our suffering. I understand this. But we have to understand that it cannot be done so easily and once for all. Just like what Reggie is doing here. The progress he thinks he has made and is proud of is actually not enough and quite dangerous to think that he has ‘arrived’ at the destination of self-love because the conversation shows that he is convincing himself that he deserves love mainly because he ‘writes songs that millions of people love’, and that is not solid, true self-love, but more like a permit like ‘you score high in this worldly contest, so you are worthy of ‘love’, whose latent crisis can be more obvious in this way.

After that, the ‘imaginary little Reggie’ shows up and says ‘I thought you were Reggie Dwight’, following Reggie’s words that ‘I know who I am. I am Elton Hercules John.’ This ‘little Reggie’, as well as the real name ‘Reggie Dwight’, is the sign of Reggie’s true self. This implies, again, that what Reggie believes he has accepted is not the true self with flaws and lacking in others’ love. Reggie’s reply that ‘I haven’t been Reggie Dwight for years’ and his facial expression and gesture are other evidence that shows that he hasn’t accepted this ‘soft’, ‘annoying’, ‘unloved’ part of himself since he was little. Though he has stopped running away from reality and has started to face his demons, this unloved piece of himself is still overlooked and left behind in this narrative. It is really understandable because, throughout our life, we are told that there are the good and the bad as on the other side of the scale. The comparison makes it so natural and the only choice to pursue and praise the good. This suggests how tricky and hard it is to achieve true self-love, especially when everything in this world is telling you the ‘rules’, the nature is to want only the ‘good’.

‘When are you going to hug me?’ What the ‘little Reggie’ asks highlights that Reggie is not embracing all of the true self, especially the part of himself that made him believes that he is pathetic, not good enough and that he deserves no love, and that he hates, hides, and runs away from for these reasons. This echoes with what Reggie has been dreaming about ever since he was little – he longed to be hugged by his father. The hug symbols love here. His father never loved him or ever showed love to him. This made him try harder to ‘win’ his father’s love and the fact that his father couldn’t have cared less about him only made him hate more about himself. The biggest shadow in his life. (Well, even if we have a loving family, we may hate ourselves deep down for reasons. Because it is the case for me. I am not 100% sure, even for now after so many struggles, why I hate myself for, but that is not the matter here because what I am trying to say is that we need to be aware of this common theme and be really honest and patient to deal with this in order to take responsibility and better care of ourselves.)

The ‘little Reggie’ runs into Reggie’s mind two major times. One is when Reggie jumps into the pool trying to kill himself, which I have discussed in chapter one. There, the little Reggie looks down with his month pouted on Reggie. The other is here. The appearance of the ‘little’ Reggie in these two times can be seen as that crucial part of his true self is calling for his attention and help. Last time in the pool scene, Reggie looks back at the ‘little Reggie’, confusing. And after that, Reggie ignores the sign and goes back to indulge himself in drugs and alcohol. This time, finally, Reggie is actively dealing with his inner conflicts. Reggie kneels down and hugs the ‘little Reggie’. This symbolises that he is starting to face his true self, even though how ‘unworthy’ of being loved as he is, and trying to embrace that. True love for himself begins only now.

This is when Reggie really re-encounters Bernie after he faces his demons and starts to take care of himself in rehab. Here, Bernie shows his love and support for Reggie and uses his words to guide and inspire Reggie. Once again, I have to say I disapprove of the leaning towards desiring only the ‘good’ behind Reggie’s lines ‘I’m scared, Bernie. What if I’m not as good without the drink and drugs?’. Yet, other lines make me stop and ponder, too. Bernie replies here that ‘You’re scared to feel again’ is quite thought-provoking. So often we just escape from doing things that will make us uncomfortable, which is quite understandable, but if we just kept avoiding experiencing and feeling these things, we might be closing off ways in which our inner conflicts may manifest themselves, which is the key route to learn about our true self and achieve true self-love. To feel less can create a delusion that we are getting better. But the reality can make you fall even harder next time unconsciously because you are only shunning away instead of trying to take care of those conflicts. That is another tricky point.

Then, Bernie says ‘I should be going’, and Reggie says ‘Don’t go. Not yet.’ This shows just how common it is for us to wish others can stay around to save us for ourselves. ‘This is the part you’ve got to do on your own.’ Bernie’s words are so right. We must be aware that we are so easy to want to rely on others and that we should remind ourselves that we need to do this by ourselves and it is the only way, every time we feel such a desire to lean on others. No one can love ourselves for us. In fact, we are not able to feel others’ love fully unless we truly believe we deserve love no matter what. Just like what Reggie did in the film before going to rehab. He just turned away and hid particularly from those who love and care for him. And he chose to live as someone else other than himself while deep down he knew clearly the more this ‘someone else’ was loved by others, the more his true self was ‘unworthy’ of love.

In the end, by himself, Reggie bravely feels, experiences, learns about, and deals with the inner struggles, the demons in his own reflection. And he is getting better on his journey of truly loving himself. It is of vital necessity to bravely face these demons on our own. It can hurt you so bad. But please see it as you are approaching the edge just so you can know that you have gone too far and should be back, rather than see it as an endless falling into the abyss. Only through experiencing this, can we be closer to ‘般若’ – enlightenment. (This refers to the final stage when you no longer suffer or feel desire and you are at peace with the universe. It is a religious concept from Buddhism and Hinduism but I think it well explains the point of this journey.)

Here’s a toast to all of us! May peace start with ourselves.