Let’s make a toast to ‘Rocketman’ (chapter one):

In my last ‘toast’ to ‘Soul’, it is discussed that the meaning/purpose/goal of life, if there must be any, is all about experiencing every bit of life itself in each very moment we live. However, it must be recognised that this is much way more than just a slogan to be chanted. To truly live it out takes a great deal of self-awareness, bravery, and mental effort in introspection. I hold the belief that learning about true ‘self-love’ and its place throughout this journey of life is the key.

Many moments in films have inspired me to dwell on this subtle idea. Among them, what impresses me the most is in fact a rather commercial film called ‘Rocketman’, the 2019 biographical musical fantasy drama film based on the life and music of British musician Elton John. The personal life experiences of Elton John from childhood to adulthood depicted in this biopic are far from typical, nevertheless, the context of his stories actually works well to manifest the path that each of us needs to take. And despite this film does not do extremely well in highlighting such inner struggle and does not raise it to a serious philosophical discussion level, so to speak, which is probably due to reasons like its set mission, emphasis, style, etc. as a musical biopic, and also potential limitations in terms of artistic skills, the material it provided is still a good source to dive into this subtle topic of ‘self-love’. At least it is the case for me, XD! If you are willing to hear, I’ll show you my personal thoughts on this in this article and the coming ones, approximately breaking them into five parts – regarding my reflection on the potential of our abandoning the true self, on our tendency to seek love elsewhere from others, on the brave moves of facing the demons that feed on our inner conflicts, the complexity of making peace with ourselves and the difficulty of doing that.

Reginald Dwight is Elton John’s real name. Reggie has never really been a fan of himself. The main reason for this can be traced back to his not-so-loving parents. His father never loves him. His mother doesn’t know how to show her love and how to love him. Her love is conditional, as she never truly accepts and supports him as who he is. And Reggie does the same for himself. To be loved, he changes himself from who he is into someone else. He tries to acquire love from other people around him, all in vain. Though his family situation is not necessarily similar to many people’s, including mine, if we are honest enough, we would admit how he doubts his own self and his desire to be loved by others, which the film further illustrates in detail later, are so relatable. We carefully calculate our moves ‘on stage’ in front of others, and if needed, we are ready to change ourselves and discard the original self in order to be more adorable, just like Reggie, Elton does later in his life.

This constant fear that other people wouldn’t like me if I made the ‘wrong’ move, if my true self was not worthy enough, etc., strikes straight to our soul, and this doubt in self tricks us to forget that we ourselves, rather than others, should be the first one to embrace and love ourselves unconditionally, and forget that this love for the true self is the key and the one that can be solid and permanent. And turning away from the true self for the sake of being ‘loved’ will only make the void and self-denial in you bigger and bigger, because even if you feel being ‘loved’ in this case, you’d know clearly that it is someone else other than the very you that are welcomed.

It is easy to see this is a vicious cycle in this way. But it is too common to fall into this dead loop, and it is so hard not to, as long as we believe the false premise that we need confirmation from the outside world that whether we, as who we truly are, deserve to be loved. (Even this is realised and forestalled, there is still a long long way to go… I have learned this the hard way.)

This scene happens after Reggie came out to his mother and was told that he would never be loved properly, and got beaten by his lover, John Reid, who is also his manager. In this scene, before going on stage, Reggie is putting on his makeup to cover the scar on his face, taking on exaggerated costumes, which is Elton John’s trademark, doing drugs, and trying to fake smiles. These are all his ways to become Elton John, the person, other than him, who will receive love from others. But this is also to turn his back to Reggie, who he truly is and who is really in need of care and love.

Though Reggie knows he is not okay, he would come up with sayings to show that he is fine. Yet his excuses and his aggressive behaviours are just bravado. ‘You’re choosing a life of being alone forever. You’ll never be loved properly.’ So harsh. Even more heartbreaking when these words are from his mother. At the time, he does not realise that there is always one person that can be there to love him properly – he himself. But it is so understandable. He is too busy running away from his ‘unloved’ situation by faking to be someone else that ‘deserves’.

I still remember that the first time I saw this, I felt sorry about what he had gone through and felt pity for him for his wrongly doing to himself. His past experiences have made him so sure that nobody is going to love him as who he was born to be. However, after revisiting the film several times and getting the chance to carefully reflect during this blogging process, I start to see a deeper issue. Would we simply stop doubting ourselves and stay free from the sufferings caused by self-doubt if the external world were not as cruel to us as it was to him? And isn’t what he is doing so common and familiar to every one of us in our life? For me, I know that I am not okay mentally and I am not ashamed to express that. [I’m sorry if this may sound like a whine to you. (TT-TT) I really have tried to be more positive in front of others or at least not to spread negative energy.] Yet it is people around me trying to help me who try to convince me that I am fine with lists of reasons. (It is definitely not complaining or blaming! I truly appreciate their help, their time, and effort, and I am sorry for the trouble I have caused them.) When I broke down, I used to turn to my parents, and they would try to show me how happy and good I should feel by explaining to me about what I had achieved, how I am lucky to have no financial worries, etc. I do feel I should appreciate what I have and believe that things may not be as bad as I have imagined. Yet perhaps what made these reasons less effective to me is that in the end they are based on my circumstances, rather than who I am. Besides that, they would also tell me that I am intelligent, excellent, and I am able to do well in everything. But what is at stake here is that deep down there I don’t believe that I am this way. So their words, once in my ears, would only turn out to be another source of pressure. I guess the reason why I may get more upset is that all these show people’s tendency to only like and applaud the ‘good’, ‘right’ part of me. The not-good-enough part of me, which is the very cause that drives me to drown in the depression and anxiety, is still and always not accepted.

For Reggie, the person he was born to be that he believes is no good and will not be loved, which he tries hard to abandon, can be incarnated into the child that he once was, as his childhood experiences deeply plant the seed of this. When he gets desperate and jumps into the pool to kill himself, he unexpectedly sees the inner child, the true self that he has left behind. This true self has been negated and neglected for too long, but it is always there waiting. The scene under the water is so beautiful and delicate, and it is more than an artistic expression to me. In my experiences, I sometimes see the not-good-enough part of me. Once when all I could think of was to kill myself and the rehearsals for different ways to do it, I saw in my mind that her cowering in the corner crying, her face buried in her knees. [I am so sorry for sounding creepy!] I suddenly awoke when I saw her, and realised where my problem lies. I then later began to see the whole painful process of mental breakdown may as well be the ways that my systems try to caution me that I have been treating myself wrong and misunderstood life and love for too long. (And after I got better, I saw her again when I was meditating, but that time she is surrounded by floating balls of light with a soft, warm glow. It’s really beautiful and it’s such an amazing experience.)

You don’t have to be that close to killing yourself, which I hope you, my friend, would never have to experience, to learn that you need to accept and love your true self, no matter how it is. I must admit that learning to love yourself without strings is a long journey, but please keep in mind that our love for who we truly are is what we need the most and what truly matters, then we have made our first move. ^u^